Behind Troy
by SapphireRivulet
Summary: A teenagers guide to the history of Troy. Focuses on the history behind the downfall of Troy, and what led up to it. One shot. Crack. Rated for language. Not all of the info is quite correct, but it mostly is.


**So yeah, I was bored in Ancient History one day and wrote this. Note that I probably spelt a few of the names wrong, and maybe got a couple of places wrong, but in essence it's almost all true. Hope you like it :)**

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><p>When Prince Paris was born, some random said that he would bring Troy down. So Paris's mum and dad, because they were fools, told him to piss off. So he twaddled off the the country and got raised by peasants. Then, when he grew some, this God named Apollo thought it would be great to drop this golden apple on Paris's head (not really, but yeah) whilst he was herding sheep. The apple was only there, because these three uber hormonal Goddesses were all bitching at each other over who was sexiest. Whoever Paris chose to give the apple to, she would be the hottest. So they slunk up to him, those little minxes, and were all like "yo, France, who'd you wanna do more?"<p>

Aphrodite was all like, "if you say I'm hottest, I'll give you this total babe for a wife."

Athena said, "if you dig me most, I'll make you a nerd, but, like, a hot nerd."

Hera said, "if you say I have the best arse, I'll give you so much power, it'll drip from your obviously receding hairline."

So Paris said "the hot one... Uhh... Aphrodite." So Hera and Athena got pissed.

**_Meanwhile..._**

Theseus left Ariadne on some island after she helped him excape the minotaur (who was actually her half brother! SCANDAL!) Theseus was all like "I dig your sis more babe. Soza!"

Ariadne was all like "Oh no you di'n't," and cursed him. Basically, whoever Theseus cared about would get bad luck. So when Theseus got back home, he didn't change his ships sails from black to white (which had been previously arranged between himself and his father to tell whether Thesues survived the minotaur or not). Theseus' dad thought that the black sails meant that Thesues was dead, so he was all like "devo..." and jumped off the cliff.

Nine months later, Periopis (Ariadne's sister) died in child labour. The kid died too. So Thesues, because he's a man whore, decided to do the best thing in grief, and fucked this chick called Helen.

**_Back to the Story..._**

A few years later, Paris's folks had a change of heart and decided that they wanted him back (bi polar, much?). This angry dude called Menelaus married Helen, and Paris an his dad went to visit them. Paris, because he's a tool, and Helen, because she's cursed, fell in love, and gallavanted back to Troy. Menelaus chucked a hissy fit and decided to prove that 'he's a big boy now', and chased them with 10,000 horny soldiers and one 'I am so awesome' horney jerk, Achilles. (They were only horney because there was lots of naked time. Greeks were too sexy for their shirts... And everything else.) For ten years, they sat on a beach and fought some battles. Hector (who is Paris's older brother), killed Achilles cousin. Achilles got mad and called out Hectors name a few times. Hector got pissed, and when he went outside to tell Achilles to shut the hell up, Achilles killed him. Achilles then dragged Hectors body in a circle seven times before Troy, because he was a faggot (or maybe to loosen him up, coz, y'know, he hasn't had sex in ten years. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and all that). Hectors dad came down to join him, uh... I mean... To get Hectors body back.

A few months later, Athena got bored and suggested to this dude Odysseus that a bunch of hot, sweaty soldiers get into this hot, sweaty horse together, while the rest of the Greeks piss off and hide. The Trojans would think that the horse is an offering to Poseidon for safe travel. Odysseus just nodded and asked to sideways naked dance. Athen said no.

So, it all went without a hitch: The Trojans brought the horse inside and the Greeks finally emerged from the hot, sweaty horse. They let the rest of the Greeks in, and then killed the men, fucked the women and burned Troy. Paris killed Achilles by hitting him in the heel with an arrow (question, who dies because they get stabbed in the ankle? Honestly...) Some Trojans escaped, including Aenus (Aphrodites son). Aenus (giggle) went on to create Rome. The end :)

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><p><strong>So yeah, not all of it is from the movie, it just provides a bit of background on why some of the characters did what they did. Hope you liked it, all of my friends laughed : And I thought it was funny :P So R&R X) Thanks XD**


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